middle of march

I have decided to do many things these months. I have stuck to only some of these things, and the others have fallen away and I always feel like I’ve failed somehow.

One of the things I have decided to do is write more. One of the other things is to spend less time worrying.

So here’s some stuff that’s going on for me, organized as an unstructured list data type

1 -> I am always guilty about not doing enough about music, about work, about injustices in the world, and a few other things. Maybe this is ok. I am trying not to let it get to me, but a little guilt makes the world go round.

2 -> I am slowly building cycles of movement and regeneration into my daily schedule. I wonder if I compressed and sonified my periods of activity if they’d sound anything like my music?

3 -> I have not seen a duck in about four months.

4 -> The Haskell concept of lazy evaluation (which I’m only beginning to understand) might be a useful concept for theorizing about music. What if we stopped wondering about the abstractedness of ‘music’ or ‘performance’ or ‘concept’ and instead worried about instances of performance which demand a calculation of ‘music’ and how those function calls are executed? Maybe I could worry less about process if I thought this way

5 -> Mental health conditions have mirrored the weather i.e. unpredictably shitty spotted with bursts of warmth and light

6 -> I always will create the only music I am capable of creating. I cannot create music other than the music I am capable of creating. I am unable to not write within the boundaries of my necessity. It is impossible for me to make music other than the music I need to make. This isn’t a point of artistic commitment; it’s just a thing that happens. I just wish I understood it more often.

7 -> I am so so so so so so tired of the idea of artistry. I want to make lots and lots and lots of crappy disposable things, like serialized TV shows. I am fighting every day the urge to be present in my work where I need to be absent, to give it space for other people to inhabit, not me. I anticipate continuing to fail at this for at least another year.

8 -> I am coming to the conclusion that my music will always be the music of negation and absence. Those things will always reach up to me from my ancestry and I am un-equipped and unwilling to assert my human-ness or participation in liberal personhood. Not that I feel it’s wrong for other people to do that, but that isn’t what I need to do.

9 -> In everything I do, at every infinitesimal point in the passing of time, I never do not experience the feeling that I am making a huge mistake.

10 -> I am trying to leave a palm branch leaning against a tree in the middle of a thunderstorm and I will go away and hope that somebody else can be dry for awhile.


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